


The Edge of Tonight

by aintweproudriff



Series: Race, Spot, Albert, and Elmer [8]
Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Mental Health Is Important, Multi, Panic Attacks, Therapy, a little blood but not too bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-01-31 09:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12679380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aintweproudriff/pseuds/aintweproudriff
Summary: Prompt: sequel for kicking and screaming with the prompts: "Don't be ashamed to ask for help," "There's nothing wrong with you," and "let us help you."Elmer's panic attacks aren't getting any better, and sometimes everyone needs some help.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> anxiety sucks yall. i wish none of us would ever have panic attacks, but sometimes crap happens and we just have to keep being strong. We can do it. (that's my inspirational speech for the day)

1\. 2. 3. 4. 5.  
5\. 4. 3. 2. 1. 

He’d done this a million times before. And yet it never seemed to help quite enough. It always left Elmer short of breath or exhausted from pulling himself back to reality. But still, he breathed. In and out, in and out, trying not to let his boyfriends, who were in the line next to him, notice that he was in any pain. It’d only upset them and ruin their day, and he’d only end up hurting himself. Better to deal with it on his own. 

-

The movie theater was crowded; everyone wanted to come see the newest big name blockbuster about some spy, or superhero, or maybe both. Elmer didn’t remember which movie they were seeing. He heard Albert ordering the tickets, but he couldn’t catch the name of the film over the noise of everything: the dinging and pinging of arcade games, the popping of popcorn and pouring of sodas, the shouting and cheering of little kids who were celebrating being able to see a Disney movie for the fourth time.  
He wished he could plug in earbuds and tune all of this out. But he could see their faces in his mind’s eye. The other three would be disappointed, offended, angry. No. He’d suffer through some stupid movie for a while, and get over himself. 

1.2.3.4.5.  
1.2.3.4.5.

-

He sat down in his seat, his hand trembling slightly as he put his drink in the cupholder and rested his popcorn on his lap. Race reached over and grabbed a handful of popcorn. Elmer didn’t even try to mention that Race had his own popcorn. He just let Race take what he wanted, including a peck on the lips as the previews before the movie started to roll. 

The previews were too loud, of course. But at least it was only one source of sound, unlike in the theater lobby. The booming sound hurt Elmer’s ears and he pushed himself backwards until he was as far into the cushy red seat as possible.  
It only got louder when the movie actually started. Bombs on screen kept going off, along with gunshots and screaming. It was a spy movie, apparently. 

Elmer was okay, really. Or at least he was, until the end of the movie. He had it all control until the end of the movie. The lighting was only just beginning to be bright again instead of dark, the music was becoming happy again, and the characters seemed to have resolved their conflict. But at the very end of the movie, when it looked like the protagonist had won, Elmer noticed movement in the bottom left hand corner of the screen. The sidekick turned around, startled, and breathed one last curse word before the camera cut to a shot of the villain’s gun. A bullet fired, and the camera panned up to show a shot of the hero, lying in a pool of his blood, having sacrificed himself for his friend. 

Elmer flinched at the gory sight and tucked his head to his chest, nervously running his hands over the back of his head. 

1.2.3.4.5.

The house lights in the theater came up, and Elmer didn’t even blink his eyes and let them adjust before patting Spot on the shoulder and bolting to the end of the row. He made his way down the stairs, following the red lights, as fast as he could. The lights in the hallway were blinding, but he stumbled to the bathroom nonetheless. Slamming a stall door shut and turning the lock, he banged his head up against a wall and let his chest heave. His hands were wet before he could realize his eyes were. People were outside of the stall. Probably waiting for him. He didn’t care. He couldn’t make himself care, really. If he needed this, he needed this. Did that make him a bad person? No. What would make him a bad person would be making his boyfriends wait for him, and making them worry about him. 

“Elmer? Are you in here?” A voice called. Race. 

Elmer, hands still shaking, flushed the toilet so he would hopefully look semi-normal.

“Yeah, Race,” he opened the stall door. “Sorry, I just didn’t want to miss any of the movie, but then I really had to go to the bathroom.”

“You’re okay, we’ve all done that,” Race laughed as Elmer dried his hands. On their way out of the bathroom, Race went to grab his boyfriend’s hand, but Elmer pulled his hand away as fast as he could. 

“El?” Race stilted his head. “Are you… are you doin’ alright?”

“Hm? Yeah, I’m - I’m fine.”

Spot stepped up to the two of them, Albert in tow. Despite only having caught the last part of the conversation, they leaned in. 

“Are you sure about that?” Spot’s eyebrows came together. “You seem a little shook up. What’s goin’ on?”

“Nothin’! I’m alright.”

Nobody was buying it. 

“I’m just - I’m only a little anxious is all, but uh, I’m gonna be alright.”

Albert stood up straighter. “El. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help, if you need it, okay? It’s what we’re here for.”

“Yeah, I know,” Elmer bit back. “But I don’t need help.”

-

The four of them went out of the movie theater in silence, which only made Elmer’s fears worse. They were angry at him, they must have been. They walked four blocks, making their way to the nearest subway stop. 

The noise there wasn’t much better. It was actually worse: the noise and the smells and the disgusting germs that crawled on every surface. 

1.2.3.4.5.

He grabbed at Spot’s hand involuntarily, and squeezed as hard as he could. It took him until Spot whispered, “ow,” that he even realized he was doing it. When he pulled his hand away, Spot’s knuckles were red and white and had fingerprints on them. 

“Elmer,” Spot whispered. Neither of the other boys were close enough to hear. “Please let us help you, okay? Please. It’ll help us feel better, and you too.”

Elmer paused, and nodded slightly. “Yeah,” he whispered back. “I think I might need it.”

Spot glared at the dirty floor. “You’re gonna get better, El. Promise.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next part! The therapist in this is completely based off of my own therapist. She's great.

This therapist’s couch was cushier than his last therapist’s couch. At the very least, she had that going for her. She was younger, too. And prettier, Elmer couldn’t help but notice. Then again, his old therapist had been over 60 years old and had some - uglier - features.   
And, at the very least, this time Elmer had his boyfriends with him and not his mom. 

“Let me just go over this one more time, make sure I have everything right,” the therapist, Mary, leaned back in her seat. “These are the three people you’re dating. And, uh, you three are all dating all of each other, right?”

The three of them nodded. 

“Okay. And, Elmer? You’re here for managing anxiety, correct?”

Elmer nodded. 

“Alright,” she breathed, “do you want them to stay or to leave, now that I’ve met them. Usually parents of significant others like to leave, so the patient can have a good conversation one-on-one, but it’s totally up to you. If they stay, they’ll be asked about everything you’re asked about.”

Elmer looked at Spot’s face. His eyes were focused, like he was going to start shooting laser beams, on the cabinet behind Mary. 

“I’d like them to stay, if that’s okay,” he swallowed his nervousness. “I mean, if that’s alright with them, they can leave if they’d rather. There’s no shame-”

Spot didn’t move his eyes, but reached for Elmer’s hand. 

“El, if you want us here,” Race leaned forward to look at Elmer from the other side of the couch, “we’re going to be here. Alright?”

Elmer nodded, and didn’t quite hide the smile on his face. Mary, though, didn’t even try to pretend she didn’t think the four of them were adorable. Her face reddened and her smile showed a dimple on her left cheek. 

Mary gripped the armrest of her black wheely chair and rolled forward. “So, Elmer, tell me about the anxiety you’ve been having. Is it like panic attacks, or is it something else?”

“Oh, it’s panic attacks for sure,” he said, surprised by his new confidence. It was himself he was talking about, after all, and he knew that better than he knew anything else. 

“Can you describe these panic attacks? Like, what brings them on, what do they feel like, that kind of thing?”

Elmer spent a moment thinking. “I think it’s like, I think it’s like a wave? All the sound and the people and the talking and motion goes over me, and it’s like it pulls me out to sea. And then, I’m like, trying to stay afloat,” he paused. “Yeah, it’s like I’m trying to swim in order to survive, like I’m gasping for air and pushing myself up. And, uh, everyone else is in boats, and they’re using the water and the noise and the people to get where they’re going. It’s a part of their normal life, but for some reason it just doesn’t work for me.”

Mary hummed quietly. “And, uh, Spot, Race, Albert? How do you feel about Elmer’s panic attacks?”

“Well, uh, for me,” Albert started. “It can be kinda hard to tell sometimes that he’s even havin’ one. Y’know, because sometimes I get caught up in what I’m doin’ or what Race or Spot are doin’, and I can’t always be on the watch for Elmer’s emotions. But, uh, when I can see that he’s havin’ one, I usually dunno what to do. ‘Cause he can’t tell me what to do, so I don’t have any idea how to help him.”

Race nodded. “Yeah, I feel like that too. My first thought is to, like, go hold his hand or somethin’, but he doesn’t want that. And he can’t really talk to me, when he’s like that. I just kinda feel really scared, I guess. And I know that’s stupid, because El’s the one who’s scared. But he loses control and, uh, so do I. I don’t- none of us like seein’ him like that. We don’t like seein’ each other hurt.”

The room went silent for a second. 

“Spot?” Mary asked. 

“Yeah,” Spot grunted. “I feel the same.”

“Okay, all right,” Mary typed into her laptop. “Back to Elmer. How long have you been having panic attacks?”

There was another moment as Elmer tried to decide how truthful he wanted to be. “I, uh, I’ve had a lot of panic attacks before. In high school, I got them all the time. Like, every week or more.”

Mary nodded. “And are they always that intense?”

“Not always, no,” Elmer shook his head and dropped Spot’s hand in order to rest both of his hands in his lap. “But, more often than not.”

“Were they this intense when you got them in high school?”

“Yeah. Yeah, they were.”

Mary spoke as she typed. “So, why do you think you had panic attacks in high school? Not so much now, but just when you were younger.”

“Well, uh,” Elmer paused. These questions just kept getting harder. “I think, I think I was really insecure. Like, I didn’t really know how to act, so I just kinda shut down when something got difficult.”

Elmer looked to his side, trying to make eye contact with someone, any one of his boyfriends. Race’s head was in his hands, Albert was watching Mary intently, and Spot still hadn’t stopped staring straight ahead. 

“Do you think,” Mary leaned forward, “that that has transferred over to why you’re still getting panic attacks now?” Her voice was soft, kind of motherly, but she made it clear that she needed an answer. 

“I dunno. Maybe.”

He looked over again. Spot had finally looked away, and was now glaring at his shoes. 

“Okay,” she sat back. “I’m just going to ask one more question, and then we’ll probably be out of time. Alright?

Elmer nodded. 

“Why do you think you were insecure in the past?”

Elmer swallowed. “Um, I mean, like I said. I didn’t know how I wanted to act, and I didn’t know how I wanted to be. So I just kind of shrunk into myself, and that made it worse. I didn’t get the things I wanted, and then I felt like that was ‘cause no one liked me. It was bad. These three,” he gestured, “I love them to death, but they didn’t help much. They were the ones I most wanted to like me, and they were the ones who seemed to like me the least.”

Mary nodded gently. “I know I said that was the last question. One more. Do you still feel that way?”

“Sometimes. I mean, rarely, but sometimes.”

“How does that make the other three feel? Albert? Race? Spot?”

“I really hate that,” Albert shook his head. “I mean, I’m almost angry. Which don’t make any sense, I know. But it’s that we see him as this awesome guy, I mean, obviously. We’re dating him, right? And if he doesn’t see that,” he shrugged, “it makes me sad.”

Race and Spot nodded. 

Mary typed more into her laptop, then closed it. “Alright, boys,” she stood up, placing the laptop on the chair. “It was great to meet you, and I want you to make an appointment as soon as it works for you, alright? All four of you.”

Spot stood up first, and went to shake her hand. “Thanks, Mary. We’ll be sure to do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay ill do one more chapter of this


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the love on this fic and this series! It means so much to me.

The business complex that Mary’s office was in was too fancy to be a business complex, Elmer noticed the second time he came back. It looked elegant, like a kind of mansion you’d see in a movie. Two marble staircases led up to the door, and two more spiral staircases winded up to the second floor once you opened the double doors to get inside. The four of them sat down in the waiting room, all of them politely refusing a glass of water or a cup of coffee from the secretary at the front. 

Mary opened the door at the end of the long hallway, which Elmer assumed was used to make sure that no one could hear crying or speaking from her office room. 

“Elmer?” she peered around the corner. He stood up, and so did Spot, Race, and Albert. Seeing that they were there, she smiled. “Come on back, boys!”

They followed her to the room, and took a seat on the couch. 

“Okay, boys,” she smiled. “We’re gonna do an activity a little later, if that’s alright, but let’s talk a little first. How has the past -” she checked her calendar “-two weeks been?”

Elmer sat up straighter. “It’s been alright,” he fidgeted with his hands. “I’m still getting anxious, but I’m doing okay overall. These guys have been paying more attention to what I need,” he looked over at his boyfriends and smiled, “and they’ve been a big help.”

“Good, good,” she nodded. “That’s kind what we’re going to work on today. Anything else you think I need to know?” Mary looked down the row of boys. 

Spot shook his head, and Mary smiled. 

She quickly typed into her laptop and then looked up. “Alrighty then. The activity we’re going to do today is based a lot on making your relationship stronger, and making sure the four of you are communicating well with each other. So I need to know before we start: how strong do you think your relationship is? How long have you been together, lived together, that kind of thing?”

Albert sighed loudly. “You know?” he brushed some hair out of his face. “I was just thinkin’ about this a while ago. I mean, we’ve got a pretty strong relationship, overall. We’re friends, we’re not just boyfriends. And I think that’s really important to our relationship: the fact that we can all be chill around each other.” Albert paused. “But, I think it’s got its issues, of course. Like, I think a big one is that Spot and Race and I were all dating before we met El. So I feel like sometimes, he probably still feels a little left out. And I can’t blame him, you know. That was, like, four years of the relationship developing’ that he wasn’t a part of. We try to make sure he feels included, but I’m not sure how much it always works. So yeah, we’ve got a solid relationship, but I dunno if it’s always as good as I want it to be.”

Mary hummed lowly. 

“And, uh, Race? What do you think?”

“I’d agree. I think me, Spot, and Al all get really worried about Elmer a lot of the time, and I think we all worry that he’s not feelin’ included, but it’s not one of those things that I think we can do a whole lot to change.”

“On our good days,” Spot added, looking at Race to make sure he was done, “we’re really good. On our bad days, though, we’re really bad.”

“And how do you define good days and bad days, Spot?” Mary asked. 

“I mean, like anyone does, I guess,” Spot’s face turned sour, his eyes darting around everywhere as he thought. “I think it’s a good day,” he spoke slowly, “if we feel secure. Yeah. It’s a good day if none of us has to reassure each other or ourselves that we’re happy in the relationship. I think it’s a good day when saying ‘I love you’ is somethin’ that just slips out, like we can’t not say it in that moment. It’s a bad day, though, when we have to remind each other that we love each other, when it’s like somethin’ we have to say to make each other feel better or feel worthy of bein’ with us.”

“So it fluctuates?” Mary asked Spot, who nodded and mouthed an affirmation. “Okay. That, just so you know, is perfectly normal. Even in relationships with only two people, it happens all the time. With four people, all who are separate people with thoughts and feelings, it can get complicated really quickly.”

Spot, Race, Albert, and Elmer’s eyes were all on the floor. It made a lot of sense to get to the bottom of the issues. Probably more sense than any of them would have liked. 

“Your relationship is strong, but because of some of what happened in the past, it goes through some rough spots every now and then. That sound about right?”

They nodded, but didn’t look up. 

“Okay,” Mary stood up and stretched. “If that’s about all I need to know, then should we get going? 

Elmer finally looked up. “Yeah, let’s do it.” 

“Great! If we could, let’s sit on the floor, okay? Tends to make this easier. In a circle, now, come on,” Mary gestured to the circular rug on her floor. At heart, she probably did work best with children. But the four boys obligingly sat down, in a circle. 

“What are we doing?” Spot asked, doing his best not to come off as rude. But, Elmer admitted, he did sound a little ticked. 

Mary sighed. “This is going to be a little difficult, and I don’t really think you’ll enjoy it that much. But it’ll be pretty necessary. If you want to take a pass on anything we talk about, you absolutely can, okay? But I really need you all to work with me to the best of your ability.”

No one spoke. 

“Okay,” continued Mary. “Elmer, I need you especially to help me here,” she touched his shoulder lightly and he tried not to flinch away. “Can you close your eyes and think back to the last panic attack you had? Or maybe just the most recent bad one you had?”

Elmer nodded, his eyes squeezed shut.

“What triggered it, Elmer?”

“We were in the movie theater, watching some movie. It was a few weeks ago, actually. There was just so much noise and so many people around, oh my god.”

“What happened then? What did it feel like?”

“Well, I thought they’d hate me if I made them leave, but I was so scared. I just wanted to get out of there. But I, uh, sat through the movie. I don’t even think they noticed anything was wrong until the movie ended and I bolted out of the room. I, uh, finally let myself cry when I was in the bathroom. But Race came and got me. He almost looked more scared than I did when he saw what had happened.”

“Okay, Elmer. At what point,” Mary asked. He kept his eyes shut. “At what point was the panic attack at its worst?”

“There was this noise, and there was this blood on the screen. And all of a sudden I could only feel how many people were in that theater with me. It was horrible, I couldn’t think at all,” Elmer fidgeted with his hands in his lap. 

“I’m going to stop you there,” Mary whispered. “You’re okay, just take a deep breath. Think about what you needed most in that moment. Was it to get out of there?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. Think about ways you could have made the situation better. There’s ways of - oh, you can open your eyes - getting over panic attacks. We’re going to work on some different ways later, but we’re going to focus on diverting your attention away from the anxiety and onto other people who can help you right now. So, think. Close your eyes again. If your boyfriends had been able to recognize what was happening, what could they have done to help you out?”

Elmer stuttered. “Uh, I don’t really know. I-I don’t think they really could have done anything, I think I kinda just have to ride it out on my own.”

“Albert?” Mary asked. “What do you think about that?”

Albert, seated next to Mary’s right hand, took a deep breath. “Well, I don’t like that. I’d really rather Elmer be able to reach out to one of us, you know? I’d rather we could get him out of there or hold his hand or talk to him and help pull him out or somethin’. It makes me really sad to hear him say that. We’re here for him.”

“Elmer?” interrupted Mary. “Do you think any of those things would have helped?” She saw the look on his face and let her tone soften. “Imagine you’re back in that panic attack at the movies. If, say, Albert had noticed, and taken your hand, how would that make you feel?”

“Worse, probably. I don’t like bein’ touched at all when I’m upset.”

“Well, what about any of those other things? If he had been able to talk to you a little bit, help you be grounded by hearing his voice, would that have helped?” 

Elmer stopped to think. “Well, maybe? I can’t really be sure.”

“That’s okay” Mary said, and Elmer saw his boyfriends meet his eyes for the first time. “It’s alright to not know. But, you know what, I need you to try these different options. It’s like Albert said. They’re here for you. Let them help you, okay? Let them know when you’re anxious, and let them figure out how best to help you. It’s gonna be hard, and they’re gonna do things you don’t like. You all are going to have to get used to that. Over time, I promise you can figure it out.”

-

The four of them walked out of the room, and then out of the office building.

“What do you think?” Spot spoke up. “You’re gonna tell us if somethin’s wrong? We won’t be angry or anything if you don’t, we just wanna be able to help you.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m gonna ask for help when I need it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I appreciate yall a lot.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought, and come talk to me on tumblr @spot-and-all-his-cronies


End file.
